(this kinda ended up sounding like a letter. I didn't mean it to... But that's what happened:)
Relatively normal time for me. Feels so much different though these days. I feel tired. Drained. Sounds normal, but for me it's sooo not. Tired usually hits around 4:30-5ish.
I'm not struggling that much am I? I don't realize how hard my mind and body are working to keep some sense of normalcy. A fail safe? Who could stay sane knowing how hard they're working just to reach their current level?
I don't wanna sound like a depressed, drama queen... But damn.
In all honesty, not in 3 months did I ever get ready and/or go out without plan or intention to see you.
I'm not complaining either. More of a "Wow." feeling. That in such a short time I was able and lucky enough to have my world redefined in such a drastic manner. Every scene painted us together.
Against all struggles, I went to the mall today. Possibly the fastest mall run ever. It's not like I sprinted through scared, just walked through uneasy. I didn't want to run into anyone, didn't want to hear, "Where's Sid?" 'cause that's what I was thinking, and verbalization, realization is always so much worse.
It's crazy how many places you con see someones face, how many simple things, and you hear their laugh.
I'm not depressed.
But I am longing, though it hasn't even been that long. I guess if I counted the seconds as miliseconds, you wouldn't seem so many days away. But, I'll count in my own right, and I know... What do I know? I know that... Every moment passing is another closer you, but every minute you're not around is... Hard to handle. To say the very least. I speak like you're dead. I don't think that way and we both know that... Nothing about us, is dead at all.
This feeling now though... I'm not even sure what is. A lot of selfishness, I suppose... But no, not even really that. I'm just lonely. And there is nothing I want to fix that, except you :) My choice. I would feel too guilty any other way.
Every time I write like this, I get lost and forget what I meant to say. Maybe I never knew. Just trying to write out some feeling.
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Days events... Woke. Showered. Mall. Laundry. Work. Hockey. Home. Blog.Days are much shorter in blog form.
I've done my laundry in the past 4 days more than I've done it my entire life... Which is only twice. Babied? Yes.
Work... Did some busing. So much more chill than dishing. I hate though when people speak to me like I need encouragement. Like, I look down. I don't need the sympathy, nor do I want it or am I trying to get it. I just hate that place and it literally sucks the life out of you. It's a dementor of a building. It could be an easy fix with a "love what I'm doing" attitude. I don't want to love it though, I don't wish to be content there, because everyday I see that and it's not a life I want to live. It's hardly a life at all. That's just me though. Maybe they truly do love their place right now and wouldn't change it for the world. The attitudes leave me to believe otherwise... But who am I to judge? No Harvard for me.
Game, we shoulda won, but they had some lucky bounces and the team hung their heads. Next time.
Now... I think it's time for contacts out and a little reading.
I love reading. I love the escape. Not in the, "My life is so terrible, take me away." escape, just the escape and the adventure and the fun. I always end up, in some envisioning myself and some of those around me in whatever tale I'm reading. A... "What if?" kind of imagining and placing, I guess. I dunno. My mind is crazy.
I used a lot of quotes tonight.
I love sleeping.
But, I miss the weight of your head on my rising chest.
Stay safe.
_jakoby
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