With A Sigh...(2.0)

It's crazy how much a dream, a simple change in thought con completely change how you feel about someone.
The mind is such a powerful-powerful machine.
I only wish I could dream of the hand and letting go...
Because in my conscious state, it is truly something I cannot do.
Or that I don't want to...
The dream I did have though was a nice change, it did relieve a lot of stress that I didn't know I had, so for that, I'm thankful.
It's nothing romantic, just friendly, we connect over books and coffee, well, at least we do now... So perhaps we'll go out for that.
At least it'll get me back to some state of normalcy.
The last coffee trip with another was a disaster.

I sat in the same spot, with the same drink, the same feelings... But, with a different person.
Nearly broke me, but it was all my choice.
I'd say I'm better now, but who knows?
I'm always best in the afternoon, when the days events con mostly flood my mind and keep me distracted. It's late nights and early mornings that destroy me. When my mind is so clear, my thoughts are so vibrant and the feelings... So true.
Every song holds meaning and every sound and smell carry so many memories.
These are just my words on letting go and someday... I'll be clear again. I won't pretend. Won't read into things, hoping. I don't lie to myself, because I know the truth and I'm not psychotic... I'm just a dreamer.
So, here's to more dreaming.
"Here's a song for the nights

I think too much and
Here's a song when I imagine us together
Here's a song for when we talk too much
And I forget my words."
It's a lot like that.

I posted my first 2 songs in the SKS adventure finally yesterday. Been long enough, shit.
I could hardly be happier with them.
A few things... But, that's what my art is about, learning, growing, changing, bettering.
I guess my whole life is about that, actually.
Gonna start demoing more... As soon as I finish this, as a matter of fact.
Because, we know I don't sleep at night.
Though the excitement of my music is happening and being realized in my head and by those around me...
I still feel empty.
A shell.
Every breath is too shallow and I'm always short of breath and when the deep breaths come, there those deep shaking sigh/sniffles you get if you've been crying.
I want so badly to just carry on and keep going and I am doing so... I just... Want to go out without the thought, ya' know?
I want to choose to remember, I want to have to think about, thinking about it.
Does that make sense?
Because, then the remembrance could truly be happy, and had with a sigh of relief instead of longing.
I imagine it to be like... 80's movie style. Sitting in a chair, feet kicked up on the desk, Wayfarers on, gazing out the window, enter thoughts, cue music; Smile.
Most smiles are fake or brought upon by the thought of something else... But it's just flooded thought, because EVERYTHING is a memory.
It hardly seems fair to those around me, but... At least I'm acting okay. That's the first step right?
If I believe I am, I will be...
Like I said though, I just can't find my conscious self to think those thoughts.
I don't want to.
Not yet.
Let me hold on a little longer.
It's worth the pain.
Again, here's to dreaming.

Stay safe.

_jakoby