Uhh... Sleep?

Sometimes I really think I'm better.
Then the fire comes back.
It's gone as fleetingly as it arrived and it leaves me... Inquisitive? Frustrated. Annoyed. All those things.
Like... Just stay away or don't go.
I have my focus and I know what I'm to be doing... But it's so hard to clear my head.
To cleanse my body of this love.
Not that I ever wanted to see it go, but with it here and with it alone, it forces a terrible environment to work in, to be inspired from. I get to the point where getting out of bed could be more difficult. Making myself go places and see faces is such a struggle.
Where the hell did my weekend go?
"Fuck it, it's such a blur (I'm feeling this)
I love all the things you do (I'm feeling this)
Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer
Place your hand in mine
I'll leave when I wanna."
Those lines hit my head as I wrote/thought that.
Where did all those bottles come from and what is this headache?
When you lose yourself, you use yourself and I don't wanna be used anymore.
I needa' get a grip.
I'm calling it Monday. And I believe that's... Week 2? I don't know. I seriously con't recall the date or time.
Ugh.
I was so much better earlier!
But now am I just begging for attention or wanting to be cared for?
I know it's over dramatic... But I don't feel cared for.
Not in the way I wish and that's so selfish of me because I know they do care.
I just want to know that I know and they they know too.
That doesn't make sense out loud/in writing.
Like I said earlier though, love can't be my focus. I'll get lost and never get anywhere.
No one wants to be the next choice, but when it comes down to it, you lose your voice and you become content with where you are and who you're with, for whatever reason.
Music and SKS is my focus. Must be. Will be.

But I need that affection.
I thrive on that emotion. Of someone putting themselves out there so much to care, to be with me and express themselves and share with me all the happenings of there life at that point, for whatever the amount of time.
I know I can survive with out it.
I just SO prefer not to.
I'm gonna go find someone to hold tomorrow.
Even if just for tomorrow.
I don't care.
Whatever will get me by.
And that'll be made clear.
A mutual use-ment.
Amusement.
"So come'on, just a little more and satisfy me."
I'm fuckin' out of it.

I need to sleep.
I need to write.

I need to be and let alone.
But I don't wanna be alone.
Not at night at least.
Nights are the worst and longest.

Which is a stark comparison to when they were the greatest and much too short.
I'm after that tomorrow.
Someone to talk to. Someone to make my late nights worth being spent.
Finding meaning in the meaningless.

This is gonna mean nothing tomorrow when my head is clear.
Because I know I'm nothing like this.
And I don't do that.

But right now, the thought enthralls me.
Gives me that worth.
Isn't that what we're all after, a little self-worth?

I'm as hopeless as I've ever been and that's just how I am.

"I spill my heart from coast to coast
Fall in love with everyone I know
Sometimes it isn't where you're going
It's who you're with."

And tomorrow, as far as my current thoughts are concerned, I'm going no where.
But even I know every word of that is false.
So just like any other day... Bring it on. I'm excited. Every opportunity a chance to see something I didn't find before.

I'm not this weak.
Or that weak for that matter.
I just... Wanted what I wanted, so I had it. What my Universe and yours should be all about.

None of this is clear to me either.

I love you.
Stay safe.

_jakoby