I Wouldn't Change A Thing.

Went to a concert the other night, for one band in particular, not thinking I'd come out a huge fan of the other bands, well, I did.
Goodnight Sunrise blew me away with their professionalism and just how good they were up on stage, knowing what they were doing, confident in their performance. The last song that they played really stuck with me and though I didn't know every word that was sang, one line stuck with me, that I was still singing on the ride home, the melody was stuck in my head, infectious, you might say. The line, just so happened to be the title of the song and this blog, go figure.
I was also really impressed with the frontman/singer/guitarist Dan Murphy. First of all by his stage presence, he was happy and thankful for the 20+ of us and put on a show just the same as he would have have for a packed house. He very much reminded me of Travis Clark and Martin Johnson in his performance and presence.
After the show my buddy Evan purchased their 7 song EP and played it the entire ride home, I believe we made it through 3 times.

On that drive I went through the CD package and artwork reading all the band thank you's and credits and noticed that Mr. Dan Murphy had done everything mostly himself, the recordings, the art, the love and the passion that went into this album. I'm not exactly sure what it gave me, but it was a sense of something... Inspiration, I think is the best explanation and a new definition of "success" to add to my own.
This world and todays music industry is such a DIY business and I've known that from the start, but it's really inspiring and refreshing to see it firsthand, or secondhand rather.
Though, I know that most of you have not listened to or even heard of Goodnight Sunrise, they're still doing their thing and have been for awhile, making a living and doing what they love, building a small fan base every where they travel, and they travel constantly, pursuing and never giving up. Which is so the life I want, I'm not worried about the instant global success. I'm excited for the work, the sweat and the tears. It's a struggle I want. It's experience I need.
It pays off.
That night, there was only one girl in that audience that had the album and new of them before they took the stage, but leaving that night, I know they left with another 3 fans.
Which doesn't seem much... But everything counts in the end. And I know from an artist's point of view that if you're able to touch even one person, you've done exactly what you set out to do.
So, I just wanted to give them a thank you and a shout out, for giving me a new outlook on success and another reason to stay positive, showing me what's possible with love and dedication.
I would highly recommend you pick up the EP "Stop, Drop & Roll" by Goodnight Sunrise on iTunes for a sweet $4.99. 7 songs at less than a dollar a piece, how con you complain?
It's well worth it.
And here are the words to that song that's been stuck with me for days:

I'll catch a little sleep & close my eyes

As often as it seems,

I've got these long drives & you've got long goodbyes

& we're catching up about the past few weeks

As long as they may seem

I've had these long nights that I can't call to mind

I wouldn't change a thing since day one

'cause back then too, I felt emotion

If you keep me around, I'll keep myself away from trouble

Just like I've done 'till now, just like I've done 'till now

I think I may have found a way to keep myself in line

I see a person almost everyday who reminds me of her face

With all these long days, I can't remember names

But you, you could call I'm clever 'cause I learned by heart

And assembled all the parts I touch you fast-paced, but I still look the same

I wouldn't change a thing since day one 'cause back then too, I felt emotion

If you keep me around, I'll keep myself away from trouble

Just like I've done 'till now, just like I've done 'till now

I think I may have found a way to keep myself in line

And if I'm kept in line,

I'll take you out sometime

I'll show you where I go

Between these long goodbyes

You're not ready (you're not ready)

I won't lock my knees (I won't lock my knees)

I'll stay steady 'cause once I see you,

I'll be falling at your feet

I wouldn't change a thing, I wouldn't change a thing,

I wouldn't change a thing, & keep myself away from trouble

I wouldn't change a thing since day one

'cause back then too, I felt emotion

If you keep me around, I'll keep myself away from trouble

Just like I've done 'till now I wouldn't change a thing,

I wouldn't change a thing, I wouldn't change a thing,

& keep myself away from trouble just like I've done 'till now

A Series of Songs For Her...

She can tell me what an angel I am.
How beautiful I am, inside and out and how much that I should realize it.
That I deserve so much better.
That I will find better.
But I have such trouble believing it.
I fell into this series of songs by... Chance? Fate?
I'm not sure, but it happened.
Took it as a sign and here they are.

With all of this I know now
Everything inside of my head
It all just goes to show how
Nothing I know changes me at all
Again I waited for this to change instead
To tear the world in two
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
Know where we go
Use me Holly come on and use me
We go where we know

With all of this I feel now
Everything inside of my heart
It all just seems to be how
Nothing I feel pulls at me at all
Again I waited for this to pull apart
To break my time in two
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
Know where we go
Use me Holly come on and use me
We go where we know

She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting
She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting

You.
I'm always wanting you
I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
We know where we go
Use me Holly come on and use me
We go where we know

She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting
She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting
You.

And all again I wait for this
To fill a whole, to shake the sky in two
Another night with her
I'm always wanting you
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Cut the skin to the bone
Fall asleep all alone
Hear your voice in the dark
Lose myself in your eyes
Choke my voice Say goodnight
as the world falls apart
Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this

Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life?

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence

The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way?
Do you still feel the same way?

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

I swear that I can go on forever again
Please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover, your friend
Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'll leave my room open 'til sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
Where are you now?

I can hear footsteps, I'm dreaming
And if you will, keep me from waking to believe this

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'm lost without you

Totally had some words I was gonna put here... But they just left me as I went to type.
:\
Bummer and super fucking annoying.
I know they meant something.
Oh well... I guess.

Stay safe.

_jakoby

With A Sigh...(2.0)

It's crazy how much a dream, a simple change in thought con completely change how you feel about someone.
The mind is such a powerful-powerful machine.
I only wish I could dream of the hand and letting go...
Because in my conscious state, it is truly something I cannot do.
Or that I don't want to...
The dream I did have though was a nice change, it did relieve a lot of stress that I didn't know I had, so for that, I'm thankful.
It's nothing romantic, just friendly, we connect over books and coffee, well, at least we do now... So perhaps we'll go out for that.
At least it'll get me back to some state of normalcy.
The last coffee trip with another was a disaster.

I sat in the same spot, with the same drink, the same feelings... But, with a different person.
Nearly broke me, but it was all my choice.
I'd say I'm better now, but who knows?
I'm always best in the afternoon, when the days events con mostly flood my mind and keep me distracted. It's late nights and early mornings that destroy me. When my mind is so clear, my thoughts are so vibrant and the feelings... So true.
Every song holds meaning and every sound and smell carry so many memories.
These are just my words on letting go and someday... I'll be clear again. I won't pretend. Won't read into things, hoping. I don't lie to myself, because I know the truth and I'm not psychotic... I'm just a dreamer.
So, here's to more dreaming.
"Here's a song for the nights

I think too much and
Here's a song when I imagine us together
Here's a song for when we talk too much
And I forget my words."
It's a lot like that.

I posted my first 2 songs in the SKS adventure finally yesterday. Been long enough, shit.
I could hardly be happier with them.
A few things... But, that's what my art is about, learning, growing, changing, bettering.
I guess my whole life is about that, actually.
Gonna start demoing more... As soon as I finish this, as a matter of fact.
Because, we know I don't sleep at night.
Though the excitement of my music is happening and being realized in my head and by those around me...
I still feel empty.
A shell.
Every breath is too shallow and I'm always short of breath and when the deep breaths come, there those deep shaking sigh/sniffles you get if you've been crying.
I want so badly to just carry on and keep going and I am doing so... I just... Want to go out without the thought, ya' know?
I want to choose to remember, I want to have to think about, thinking about it.
Does that make sense?
Because, then the remembrance could truly be happy, and had with a sigh of relief instead of longing.
I imagine it to be like... 80's movie style. Sitting in a chair, feet kicked up on the desk, Wayfarers on, gazing out the window, enter thoughts, cue music; Smile.
Most smiles are fake or brought upon by the thought of something else... But it's just flooded thought, because EVERYTHING is a memory.
It hardly seems fair to those around me, but... At least I'm acting okay. That's the first step right?
If I believe I am, I will be...
Like I said though, I just can't find my conscious self to think those thoughts.
I don't want to.
Not yet.
Let me hold on a little longer.
It's worth the pain.
Again, here's to dreaming.

Stay safe.

_jakoby

Uhh... Sleep?

Sometimes I really think I'm better.
Then the fire comes back.
It's gone as fleetingly as it arrived and it leaves me... Inquisitive? Frustrated. Annoyed. All those things.
Like... Just stay away or don't go.
I have my focus and I know what I'm to be doing... But it's so hard to clear my head.
To cleanse my body of this love.
Not that I ever wanted to see it go, but with it here and with it alone, it forces a terrible environment to work in, to be inspired from. I get to the point where getting out of bed could be more difficult. Making myself go places and see faces is such a struggle.
Where the hell did my weekend go?
"Fuck it, it's such a blur (I'm feeling this)
I love all the things you do (I'm feeling this)
Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer
Place your hand in mine
I'll leave when I wanna."
Those lines hit my head as I wrote/thought that.
Where did all those bottles come from and what is this headache?
When you lose yourself, you use yourself and I don't wanna be used anymore.
I needa' get a grip.
I'm calling it Monday. And I believe that's... Week 2? I don't know. I seriously con't recall the date or time.
Ugh.
I was so much better earlier!
But now am I just begging for attention or wanting to be cared for?
I know it's over dramatic... But I don't feel cared for.
Not in the way I wish and that's so selfish of me because I know they do care.
I just want to know that I know and they they know too.
That doesn't make sense out loud/in writing.
Like I said earlier though, love can't be my focus. I'll get lost and never get anywhere.
No one wants to be the next choice, but when it comes down to it, you lose your voice and you become content with where you are and who you're with, for whatever reason.
Music and SKS is my focus. Must be. Will be.

But I need that affection.
I thrive on that emotion. Of someone putting themselves out there so much to care, to be with me and express themselves and share with me all the happenings of there life at that point, for whatever the amount of time.
I know I can survive with out it.
I just SO prefer not to.
I'm gonna go find someone to hold tomorrow.
Even if just for tomorrow.
I don't care.
Whatever will get me by.
And that'll be made clear.
A mutual use-ment.
Amusement.
"So come'on, just a little more and satisfy me."
I'm fuckin' out of it.

I need to sleep.
I need to write.

I need to be and let alone.
But I don't wanna be alone.
Not at night at least.
Nights are the worst and longest.

Which is a stark comparison to when they were the greatest and much too short.
I'm after that tomorrow.
Someone to talk to. Someone to make my late nights worth being spent.
Finding meaning in the meaningless.

This is gonna mean nothing tomorrow when my head is clear.
Because I know I'm nothing like this.
And I don't do that.

But right now, the thought enthralls me.
Gives me that worth.
Isn't that what we're all after, a little self-worth?

I'm as hopeless as I've ever been and that's just how I am.

"I spill my heart from coast to coast
Fall in love with everyone I know
Sometimes it isn't where you're going
It's who you're with."

And tomorrow, as far as my current thoughts are concerned, I'm going no where.
But even I know every word of that is false.
So just like any other day... Bring it on. I'm excited. Every opportunity a chance to see something I didn't find before.

I'm not this weak.
Or that weak for that matter.
I just... Wanted what I wanted, so I had it. What my Universe and yours should be all about.

None of this is clear to me either.

I love you.
Stay safe.

_jakoby