A Series of Songs For Her...

She can tell me what an angel I am.
How beautiful I am, inside and out and how much that I should realize it.
That I deserve so much better.
That I will find better.
But I have such trouble believing it.
I fell into this series of songs by... Chance? Fate?
I'm not sure, but it happened.
Took it as a sign and here they are.

With all of this I know now
Everything inside of my head
It all just goes to show how
Nothing I know changes me at all
Again I waited for this to change instead
To tear the world in two
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
Know where we go
Use me Holly come on and use me
We go where we know

With all of this I feel now
Everything inside of my heart
It all just seems to be how
Nothing I feel pulls at me at all
Again I waited for this to pull apart
To break my time in two
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
Know where we go
Use me Holly come on and use me
We go where we know

She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting
She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting

You.
I'm always wanting you
I'm always wanting you

Use me Holly come on and use me
We know where we go
Use me Holly come on and use me
We go where we know

She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting
She's all I need
She's all I dream
She's all I'm always wanting
You.

And all again I wait for this
To fill a whole, to shake the sky in two
Another night with her
I'm always wanting you
Another night with her
But I'm always wanting you

Cut the skin to the bone
Fall asleep all alone
Hear your voice in the dark
Lose myself in your eyes
Choke my voice Say goodnight
as the world falls apart
Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this

Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life?

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence

The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way?
Do you still feel the same way?

Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

I swear that I can go on forever again
Please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover, your friend
Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'll leave my room open 'til sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
Where are you now?

I can hear footsteps, I'm dreaming
And if you will, keep me from waking to believe this

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'm lost without you

Totally had some words I was gonna put here... But they just left me as I went to type.
:\
Bummer and super fucking annoying.
I know they meant something.
Oh well... I guess.

Stay safe.

_jakoby

With A Sigh...(2.0)

It's crazy how much a dream, a simple change in thought con completely change how you feel about someone.
The mind is such a powerful-powerful machine.
I only wish I could dream of the hand and letting go...
Because in my conscious state, it is truly something I cannot do.
Or that I don't want to...
The dream I did have though was a nice change, it did relieve a lot of stress that I didn't know I had, so for that, I'm thankful.
It's nothing romantic, just friendly, we connect over books and coffee, well, at least we do now... So perhaps we'll go out for that.
At least it'll get me back to some state of normalcy.
The last coffee trip with another was a disaster.

I sat in the same spot, with the same drink, the same feelings... But, with a different person.
Nearly broke me, but it was all my choice.
I'd say I'm better now, but who knows?
I'm always best in the afternoon, when the days events con mostly flood my mind and keep me distracted. It's late nights and early mornings that destroy me. When my mind is so clear, my thoughts are so vibrant and the feelings... So true.
Every song holds meaning and every sound and smell carry so many memories.
These are just my words on letting go and someday... I'll be clear again. I won't pretend. Won't read into things, hoping. I don't lie to myself, because I know the truth and I'm not psychotic... I'm just a dreamer.
So, here's to more dreaming.
"Here's a song for the nights

I think too much and
Here's a song when I imagine us together
Here's a song for when we talk too much
And I forget my words."
It's a lot like that.

I posted my first 2 songs in the SKS adventure finally yesterday. Been long enough, shit.
I could hardly be happier with them.
A few things... But, that's what my art is about, learning, growing, changing, bettering.
I guess my whole life is about that, actually.
Gonna start demoing more... As soon as I finish this, as a matter of fact.
Because, we know I don't sleep at night.
Though the excitement of my music is happening and being realized in my head and by those around me...
I still feel empty.
A shell.
Every breath is too shallow and I'm always short of breath and when the deep breaths come, there those deep shaking sigh/sniffles you get if you've been crying.
I want so badly to just carry on and keep going and I am doing so... I just... Want to go out without the thought, ya' know?
I want to choose to remember, I want to have to think about, thinking about it.
Does that make sense?
Because, then the remembrance could truly be happy, and had with a sigh of relief instead of longing.
I imagine it to be like... 80's movie style. Sitting in a chair, feet kicked up on the desk, Wayfarers on, gazing out the window, enter thoughts, cue music; Smile.
Most smiles are fake or brought upon by the thought of something else... But it's just flooded thought, because EVERYTHING is a memory.
It hardly seems fair to those around me, but... At least I'm acting okay. That's the first step right?
If I believe I am, I will be...
Like I said though, I just can't find my conscious self to think those thoughts.
I don't want to.
Not yet.
Let me hold on a little longer.
It's worth the pain.
Again, here's to dreaming.

Stay safe.

_jakoby

Uhh... Sleep?

Sometimes I really think I'm better.
Then the fire comes back.
It's gone as fleetingly as it arrived and it leaves me... Inquisitive? Frustrated. Annoyed. All those things.
Like... Just stay away or don't go.
I have my focus and I know what I'm to be doing... But it's so hard to clear my head.
To cleanse my body of this love.
Not that I ever wanted to see it go, but with it here and with it alone, it forces a terrible environment to work in, to be inspired from. I get to the point where getting out of bed could be more difficult. Making myself go places and see faces is such a struggle.
Where the hell did my weekend go?
"Fuck it, it's such a blur (I'm feeling this)
I love all the things you do (I'm feeling this)
Fate fell short this time
Your smile fades in the summer
Place your hand in mine
I'll leave when I wanna."
Those lines hit my head as I wrote/thought that.
Where did all those bottles come from and what is this headache?
When you lose yourself, you use yourself and I don't wanna be used anymore.
I needa' get a grip.
I'm calling it Monday. And I believe that's... Week 2? I don't know. I seriously con't recall the date or time.
Ugh.
I was so much better earlier!
But now am I just begging for attention or wanting to be cared for?
I know it's over dramatic... But I don't feel cared for.
Not in the way I wish and that's so selfish of me because I know they do care.
I just want to know that I know and they they know too.
That doesn't make sense out loud/in writing.
Like I said earlier though, love can't be my focus. I'll get lost and never get anywhere.
No one wants to be the next choice, but when it comes down to it, you lose your voice and you become content with where you are and who you're with, for whatever reason.
Music and SKS is my focus. Must be. Will be.

But I need that affection.
I thrive on that emotion. Of someone putting themselves out there so much to care, to be with me and express themselves and share with me all the happenings of there life at that point, for whatever the amount of time.
I know I can survive with out it.
I just SO prefer not to.
I'm gonna go find someone to hold tomorrow.
Even if just for tomorrow.
I don't care.
Whatever will get me by.
And that'll be made clear.
A mutual use-ment.
Amusement.
"So come'on, just a little more and satisfy me."
I'm fuckin' out of it.

I need to sleep.
I need to write.

I need to be and let alone.
But I don't wanna be alone.
Not at night at least.
Nights are the worst and longest.

Which is a stark comparison to when they were the greatest and much too short.
I'm after that tomorrow.
Someone to talk to. Someone to make my late nights worth being spent.
Finding meaning in the meaningless.

This is gonna mean nothing tomorrow when my head is clear.
Because I know I'm nothing like this.
And I don't do that.

But right now, the thought enthralls me.
Gives me that worth.
Isn't that what we're all after, a little self-worth?

I'm as hopeless as I've ever been and that's just how I am.

"I spill my heart from coast to coast
Fall in love with everyone I know
Sometimes it isn't where you're going
It's who you're with."

And tomorrow, as far as my current thoughts are concerned, I'm going no where.
But even I know every word of that is false.
So just like any other day... Bring it on. I'm excited. Every opportunity a chance to see something I didn't find before.

I'm not this weak.
Or that weak for that matter.
I just... Wanted what I wanted, so I had it. What my Universe and yours should be all about.

None of this is clear to me either.

I love you.
Stay safe.

_jakoby

Lucky It Was Not.

That is all.
The end.
I tried to hard.
Got way more than I ever dreamed but I'm so greedy for more.
The thought that burns the most is someone else in my place. I truly know that is the worst. I understand now why Sarin wanted to know so badly. Without a name, without a face you imagine perfection. Someone who bests you on every way. And clearly they must, right?
I'm sorry, Sarin. Her name is Sidney and she destroyed. Feel free to smile.

I don't want to know though. I don't want see, I don't want to hear, but I can't shut you out. I'm interested and in love with everything you do. But I have to, I have to let go. I have to move on, because you have. I can't sit alone in the past, because it is just that, a lonely place.
So lonely in the atmosphere.
I could spill for days, but nothing good will come it. There's no point in trying to grasp and express my love, because it's not felt and it's not mutual.
There is no lonlier feeling that to love alone.
"The greatest thing you'll learn is just to love and be loved in return."
From one of my favorite movies ever.
But I doubt I'll watch any movies for quite some time. I hate so badly to see them without someone of my own to imagine.
Looks like there won't be a 500 Days of Summer viewing for awhile... And when there is, I hope she hasn't seen it, because I dislike watching new movies with those who have already scene it.
That's gonna be ice breaker from now on... "Have you seen...?"
But NO! That was to be our movie... :'[[




For what it's worth, and it seems about nothing, I love(d) you.
But today I work on letting go.
Or maybe I don't.
My heart hurts so much.

Stay safe,


_jakoby

Words From My Past.

October 13, 2009 105 days ago.

Sidney and I have been hanging ouuut! And it is awwwesome, no lie. Having a female friend to relate to so well and able to be comfortable. Watched a movie last Friday at my casa. Hard not to break the friend the boundry... She's so beautiful. Difficult to resist the temptation to hold her. I get such an attachment... Don't want to end up falling flat... Don't want to push forward to fast, because I do value friendship. Her friendship. Like those cliche tv show moments "I dont want to ruin what we have."

There are so many little things... That I read into too much. That's just who and how I am. A romantic. A poet. When I feel something I let it be known. I let the words flow.

So strange that I wrote about her a week before she started talking to me. This is my high school crush. Didn't think I had one, but I definitely did. Since Junior year. That field trip. I remember very vividly....

"Where do we go from here?"

I'm so overbearing, but I'm not worried. Everything will be as it should be...

5 days later on October 18, I wrote to her:

Where do I begin? I suppose in saying that just because I say something or feel some way, you know that you don't have to return it. I just love to write. Love to get it out and let it be known. To keep anything in, just wouldn't be me and I truly want you to know me. For if you ever fell again, I'd want it to be with me, not "me". I'm so beyond tired of the cliché, high school, easy-way out of, "You changed." Tired of the high school relationship in it's

entirety. I have been and always will be me, for whoever chooses to see it and for the one who let's me in. This isn't that kind of letter though :)

I won't lie to you, never will. Though you've heard it, I'm sure... But I assure you, with all of me, it's true. If you ever doubt me, it's as simple as looking into my eyes and asking for truth. I'm completely vulnerable to that... And already I feel that I could be so vulnerable to you and your world. In the best of ways. I'm not asking you to open up to me, I know what you're going through and feeling for the most part, I'm sure. Just saying, I'm not afraid to do so with you. I'm sorry if this feels like weight or stress. We have talked and we are on the same page. I'm not trying to force the issue, because there isn't one :))
It is a lot to say so soon, but it doesn't feel wrong, or forced to put these words down. I think about you so often. My thoughts are so flooded in the most wonderful, overwhelming way. I know in the moments that we're together, when my skin flushes and the butterflies flutter that it would be so easy and amazing to fall in love with you. When I hug you as you leave, that I could so easily never let go. The moments I imagine rush without force: Midnight drives, your warm embrace beneath the stars, feeling you breathe as you sleep. It's another endless list, though a bit more secret. My heart now is beating faster just at the thought and it's not lust. Laughing and smiling do not so easily and unexpectedly come with a simple lust. More than anything though, I want your trust. Your happiness. Nothing else is as important. You told me not to wait, but that's what I'm doing. That, next to you is what I'm wanting. Waiting for the time and place when everything is right. When hopefully, I can look down and see your fingers laced with mine. Safe and trusting of my love for you. I'm excited to wait for you. And if in the end, all I have is your friendship, know that I could last happily on that. But I can feel so much more than that, this is more than a crush for me and I'm not afraid.

3 Days later on October 21st we held hands we were close for the first time.

Again, 3 days later on October 24th we kissed magically beneath the stars and grew closer yet again.

A week later on Halloween we made what was known to me as love.
I guess I got a trick that holiday.
But I'm just being bitter.


I see 3's repeated often, including Halloween on the 31st.
18 minus 5...
And they say 3rd times the charm and she is my 3rd serious relationship as far as that goes... So I can only hope and pray...

And oh, p.s....

Today's date, 5 - 2?
Yeah.

Ha, I'm gonna all obsessed with numbers like that movie, the Number Twenty-THREE.
Haha, shiiiittt.
And it's like... Every song from Boys Like Girls first album says nearly everything I need to say. So that'll be my playlist for a while.

My heart hurts so bad.