Lucky It Was Not.

That is all.
The end.
I tried to hard.
Got way more than I ever dreamed but I'm so greedy for more.
The thought that burns the most is someone else in my place. I truly know that is the worst. I understand now why Sarin wanted to know so badly. Without a name, without a face you imagine perfection. Someone who bests you on every way. And clearly they must, right?
I'm sorry, Sarin. Her name is Sidney and she destroyed. Feel free to smile.

I don't want to know though. I don't want see, I don't want to hear, but I can't shut you out. I'm interested and in love with everything you do. But I have to, I have to let go. I have to move on, because you have. I can't sit alone in the past, because it is just that, a lonely place.
So lonely in the atmosphere.
I could spill for days, but nothing good will come it. There's no point in trying to grasp and express my love, because it's not felt and it's not mutual.
There is no lonlier feeling that to love alone.
"The greatest thing you'll learn is just to love and be loved in return."
From one of my favorite movies ever.
But I doubt I'll watch any movies for quite some time. I hate so badly to see them without someone of my own to imagine.
Looks like there won't be a 500 Days of Summer viewing for awhile... And when there is, I hope she hasn't seen it, because I dislike watching new movies with those who have already scene it.
That's gonna be ice breaker from now on... "Have you seen...?"
But NO! That was to be our movie... :'[[




For what it's worth, and it seems about nothing, I love(d) you.
But today I work on letting go.
Or maybe I don't.
My heart hurts so much.

Stay safe,


_jakoby

Words From My Past.

October 13, 2009 105 days ago.

Sidney and I have been hanging ouuut! And it is awwwesome, no lie. Having a female friend to relate to so well and able to be comfortable. Watched a movie last Friday at my casa. Hard not to break the friend the boundry... She's so beautiful. Difficult to resist the temptation to hold her. I get such an attachment... Don't want to end up falling flat... Don't want to push forward to fast, because I do value friendship. Her friendship. Like those cliche tv show moments "I dont want to ruin what we have."

There are so many little things... That I read into too much. That's just who and how I am. A romantic. A poet. When I feel something I let it be known. I let the words flow.

So strange that I wrote about her a week before she started talking to me. This is my high school crush. Didn't think I had one, but I definitely did. Since Junior year. That field trip. I remember very vividly....

"Where do we go from here?"

I'm so overbearing, but I'm not worried. Everything will be as it should be...

5 days later on October 18, I wrote to her:

Where do I begin? I suppose in saying that just because I say something or feel some way, you know that you don't have to return it. I just love to write. Love to get it out and let it be known. To keep anything in, just wouldn't be me and I truly want you to know me. For if you ever fell again, I'd want it to be with me, not "me". I'm so beyond tired of the cliché, high school, easy-way out of, "You changed." Tired of the high school relationship in it's

entirety. I have been and always will be me, for whoever chooses to see it and for the one who let's me in. This isn't that kind of letter though :)

I won't lie to you, never will. Though you've heard it, I'm sure... But I assure you, with all of me, it's true. If you ever doubt me, it's as simple as looking into my eyes and asking for truth. I'm completely vulnerable to that... And already I feel that I could be so vulnerable to you and your world. In the best of ways. I'm not asking you to open up to me, I know what you're going through and feeling for the most part, I'm sure. Just saying, I'm not afraid to do so with you. I'm sorry if this feels like weight or stress. We have talked and we are on the same page. I'm not trying to force the issue, because there isn't one :))
It is a lot to say so soon, but it doesn't feel wrong, or forced to put these words down. I think about you so often. My thoughts are so flooded in the most wonderful, overwhelming way. I know in the moments that we're together, when my skin flushes and the butterflies flutter that it would be so easy and amazing to fall in love with you. When I hug you as you leave, that I could so easily never let go. The moments I imagine rush without force: Midnight drives, your warm embrace beneath the stars, feeling you breathe as you sleep. It's another endless list, though a bit more secret. My heart now is beating faster just at the thought and it's not lust. Laughing and smiling do not so easily and unexpectedly come with a simple lust. More than anything though, I want your trust. Your happiness. Nothing else is as important. You told me not to wait, but that's what I'm doing. That, next to you is what I'm wanting. Waiting for the time and place when everything is right. When hopefully, I can look down and see your fingers laced with mine. Safe and trusting of my love for you. I'm excited to wait for you. And if in the end, all I have is your friendship, know that I could last happily on that. But I can feel so much more than that, this is more than a crush for me and I'm not afraid.

3 Days later on October 21st we held hands we were close for the first time.

Again, 3 days later on October 24th we kissed magically beneath the stars and grew closer yet again.

A week later on Halloween we made what was known to me as love.
I guess I got a trick that holiday.
But I'm just being bitter.


I see 3's repeated often, including Halloween on the 31st.
18 minus 5...
And they say 3rd times the charm and she is my 3rd serious relationship as far as that goes... So I can only hope and pray...

And oh, p.s....

Today's date, 5 - 2?
Yeah.

Ha, I'm gonna all obsessed with numbers like that movie, the Number Twenty-THREE.
Haha, shiiiittt.
And it's like... Every song from Boys Like Girls first album says nearly everything I need to say. So that'll be my playlist for a while.

My heart hurts so bad.

Too Bad I Love You.

"Let's not pretend like you're alone tonight I know he's there and you're probably hanging out and making eyes while across the room he stares.
I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor and ask my girl to dance, she'll say 'Yes.'"

When you know, you know.
Too bad it comes with all the bad feelings as much as the good.

"I hope while sleeping
I know that if you're finding solid ground
You'll know everything is, everything is sound
What am I gonna with all this time I set aside for you?"

I love you.

Artistic Update!

This is basically what high school looked like to me... Intense, huh?
Specifically, Senior year.
I have pages and pages of this stuff, but I don't really wanna photograph or scan it all! So here's just a small look into my past:
(you con click the images to make 'em bigger)

This one I'm stoked about just because I did it 100% on my phone. Go technology, right?

And this I snapped yesterday driving to work, also with my phone.

While I'm at it, here's Daily Booth #10:

"I can disappear any time I want to, 'time I feel you shuffle through my skin, I'm with you 'til the end."

I think I'll actually go draw now! And try to keep this current with drawings/photographs/whatever I think is interesting to view.
Thanks Ben for the inspiration!
[http://benclaver.blogspot.com/]

Stay safe!

_jakoby

Daily Booth #9

I think that my blog is going to turn into more of a photo journal. Of whatever my day consists of, including drawings and such, 'cause I think that'll be more fun to look at rather than read a daily rant. Unless it's something uber important, thought provoking, or musical.So basically... Still anything I guess. Haha.

I just need to stop only updating Daily Booth photos on here. It's no fun for me!
I'll start the photo blog/sketchbook/musical endeavour adventure tomorrow!

"Bedtime and Batman."